Pantyhose, BBQ Chips, and Other Ways of Living in the Past

I'm reading this book (recommended by Reb Velvet) about the creation of the Oxford English Dictionary. I know, I am SOOOO smart! So what if I learned of the OED's existence when Christopher gave it to Rory as a present on Gilmore Girls. It uses this device where a word is defined OED-style at the beginning of each chapter. So sad that books need devices now too. You don't find that noise in The Golden Bowl. Anyway, now I really want to look up "pantyhose" in the OED. It's deal is thoroughly representing the history of a word from its first usage on. I just want to know what psychopath (and such is possible, see book) came up with "pantyhose." It sounds like panties with some sort of drainage system for what one can only imagine. If you think about it, "hose" is an entirely inappropriate word to describe both the form and use of pantyhose. It's like when my Temporary Building Manager Specializing in Move-In, Z. Mason Frisby, spent an afternoon of my life describing the device for securing DirecTV cables to the wall to myself and a bewildered DirecTV tech as "condoms." Now Cherry loves using something for purposes other than those intended, such as Crisco as a nighttime leg moisturizer, but I think even she would balk at the use of a condom as a cable tie. A condom is a fitting (heehee) description of the article we know as hose, however. Hmm...
I don't like pantyhose. They're for adults. I will wear them when the varicose veins overtake my legs as they are now beginning to do. (Actually, they aren't varicose veins but what Cherry calls "spider veins." They don't have dimension. I wanted to look up the actual name but I'm scared to death of pictures of varicose veins and don't dare Wikipedia them. This fear stems from a terrifying description in Mi Vida Loca, one of the insane gang memoirs Glen made me read.) I don't understand how one wears them with open toe shoes. I mean, nearly all shoes are open toe. Don't we have the technology to dispense with the toe seam? If those R&D ninnies at Victoria's Secret (I'm picturing the cast of Veronica's Closet) can make a bra without a seam PATENT PENDING, then the pantyhose people can do it too.
My brother has been waiting years for similar technology. As a kid (now) he hated the seams in his socks touching his toes. He would only wear tube socks, then he would pull the toe of the sock up over the top of his foot to his ankle. Then he would quickly slip on his Air Jordans to hold the sock device in place, thus insuring nary a pinky toe touched a seam. I know, it is a miracle I don't walk on all fours.
When Cherry saw me dressed for my high school reunion, she was mesmerized by the shade of my pantyhose - WHICH I WASN'T WEARING. I took this as a compliment, even though I'm sure it just means that my legs are so pale that my own mother doesn't recognize them as a color existing in nature. BUT that also means I don't have to wear pantyhose, right? It feels like a lie. A really bad lie that no one believes because skin doesn't have a weave to it. And then there are the colors that aren't even pretending to be skin, and what's the point of that?
I refused to eat BBQ potato chips for years because I feel chip flavors should recreate baked potato toppings. If you don't put it on a baked potato, why in the world would you want to eat it on a chip? I was soooo wrong. BBQ chips, please accept my humblest apologies, you are DELICIOUS. BUT my hypothesis was flawed from the beginning - reason cannot be applied to snacking. Decorum, I believe, DEMANDS that we apply it to hosiery.
So if anyone asks, I'm not wearing hose because they are a LIE. Or, LIE and say I am wearing hose. They are called LEG CONDOMS, and they are in a new shade called INTEGRITY.