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I know, I know. Bones did an episode on pony play, and despite the equine connection, Prancers failed to investigate. Then, John Francis Daley guest starred as Doogie-like psychologist (BUT BRRRRAH BONES HATES PSYCHOLOGY BAHHHHH) Dr. Lance Sweets. (Yes, gone are the days of over-descriptive, blatantly phallic names on Bones. End of an era, very sad.) But it was in a conscious Bones-out to make this week's post just that more dramatic. Tune in tomorrow (Or Thursday, whatevs. I can't conjure the Prance on demand.) for ULTRA HALLOWEEN FIRE ON THE SET FLAMING OVERUSE OF PARENTHESES WONDER WOMAN ROLE REVERSAL EXTRAVAGANZA POST!!!! If you read one post all year, it should be THIS ONE.
I think this could become a regular post, as my parents are regularly hilarious and lord knows I need to break up the Bones monotony (Bonotony, teehee). You know that Norm was recently diagnosed as diabetic, and it turns out, much to his chagrin, to be the variety wherein you must eat LESS sugar, not more. Accordingly Norm's sausage and egg McMuffin intake has been cut in half, and double cheeseburgers are now being consumed sans bun. The most encouraging sign of reform is the purchase of a bicycle "specifically designed for seniors." I am told it has 2 wheels and is not stationary, so I'm having trouble picturing these design adjustments. My further interrogation of Cherry revealled only that the seat makes Norm's privates numb, so I have abandoned that line of inquiry. (A special split seat has been ordered.)
While Norm is well on his way to normal blood glucose levels, Cherry's health has taken an alarming and abrupt turn. My first hint to this situation was a text I received: "Recovering well from surgery. Love you." Now Cherry, that fiendish devil, was fully aware of the manipulative nature of her wording. Oh yes, do not ye doubt that. When I called she answered, "Well I think you've set a new family record. I must be getting good at guilt trips in my old age." Harrumph. Alas, the surgery was real. Cherry had to have the toenail of her right big toe removed while she watched eagerly (Cherry has quite a penchant for the morbid, as discussed previously, see "Is Bones my Mom?") Trauma to the nail caused it to grow at an unnatural angle, i.e. down. Norm likes to joke that Cherry needs steel toed house slippers, so as you might guess, the specific trauma throughout the years of stubbing is hard to pinpoint. Ironically, Cherry's side of the family has been plagued by toe difficulties. Her father lost 4 toes in Korea. He would afterwards be known to us as Grandpa Six Toes. I kid you not.
Cherry's podiatric problems have kept her from her most ardent pastime, watering things with the hose. She loves buying plants, watering them, letting storms knock them over, then watching them die still in their pots in the driveway. Norm and I find endless joy in this, but the neighbors are less than pleased. Our neighbors are Paul and Peggy, and their 2 grown daughters, Paula and Penny. Yes. I really have so much to say about Paul and Peggy, or "Terrible Peggy" as Cherry calls her. In the interest of brevity however, I'll just say that Paul once fired a shotgun at/near my brother Eric who, drunk and in his underwear, was attempting to woo young Paula. Paul collects trucker hats in absolute earnestness. He was a truck driver, mainly for Pillsbury (Sidebar: when googling Pillsbury for spelling, it was discovered that the website tagline is: Everything you wanted to know about the Doughboy but were afraid to ask!) before campaigning for school board. Peggy, to use Cherry's description, is "one of those women who's just dying to tell you about her hysterectomy." Last I saw Terrible Peggy she was out in her yard 2 days after goiter surgery (Yes. YES.) CLEANING HER ROCKS. I was in the pool with Norm, and as if keeping his huge mass afloat wasn't strain enough, her rock cleaning shenanigans nearly sent him under. (Peggy recommends darker colored rocks for your gardens, people. They show dirt less.) Paul and Peggy, aghast at Cherry's watering techniques and their effects, called the health department on my woebegone parents for fostering the West Nile virus. Since then, relations that survived gunplay have been severely strained.
Now a new torment threatens the neighborhood: moles. Paul and Peggy, in a twist of Judeo-Christian irony, are the worst afflicted. Their strategy, admittedly, is to drive their moles onto Norm and Cherry's property. The nerve! Cherry is unfazed. She looks at the fearsome steel moletrap Paul and Peggy are using, and sees its true potential. She will call PETA and report this inhumane trap and have a measure of revenge for her West Nile shame! She will regain her neighborhood cred! This from the woman who purchased a "frog gig," which for the unacquainted is a trident for spearing frogs, and sent her husband out with such and a flashlight for stunning them, in order to slaughter the frogs brought about by her own rampant watering and West Nile-infested mosquito rearing! Updates to follow.
Due to conflicts on set, there have been some recent casting changes.
