OMG. I promise this blog won't become Prancers Investigates Bones (although I would wager that Stossel is a fan), but this is an emergency. Wait for it...
Bones/ Vanished crossover extravaganza! Josh Berman, you have reached near-Stossel status. You are hovering around Chris Hansen status, both in awesomeness and in dramaturgical prowess.
For the few who don't follow day-to-day Bones developments with salivating anticipation, Something has Happened. Vanished creator Josh Berman will play out quashed Vanished plotline on next season's BONES, on which he is now a consulting producer. How this will work, I do not know. Will now-unemployed Vanished actors join the cast as guest actors? Will Bones become the victim of a Sara Collins-like masonic kidnapping? Will Booth clash with intrepid reporter Judy Nash (Rebecca Gayheart), then fall into a grief-motivated sexual romp with same? Will Gayheart's husband Eric Dane do a guest stint as well, giving rise to a new, Rhimesian McClash? Will it be with Agt. Seeley Booth (McSteamy vs. McSeeley?) or with Marcy Collins' illegitimate mason baby (McSteamy vs. McPreemie?) or with A BONE ITSELF (McSteamy vs. McSternumy??!!!!) We cannot know.
I know what you are thinking - was Thomas Jefferson a freemason? Because then Bones - as an employee of the Jeffersonian - would necessarily be dragged into the shameful and debaucherous underground of freemason conspiracy and TREASURE depicted in Vanished. Sure, Bones doesn't SEEM susceptible to the lure of shiny doubloons, but what if, what IF they were from ancient Atlantis? Then they might... HAVE DOLPHINS ON THEM!!!! Dolphins are like kryptonite to Bones because of their connection to her mother. BONES' MOTHER COULD BE FROM ATLANTIS. I dare not think of the implications... that I might, because of the aforeposted Bones/ Cherry connection, be... an Atlantian princess?!
But fear not readers, Thomas Jefferson, though a famous builder who employed masonry; though a visitor of Paris (see: Jefferson in Paris), the site of Lourve reno and Holy Grail resting place; though a polymath like DA VINCI; was NOT a mason. Whew. I am, for now, a humble blogger. Although that might be disputed in next season's...
BONES.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Monday, July 23, 2007
If A Bear Pees on A Raft...
I've gotten into Man vs. Wild lately, for the same reason I get into many shows, because the lead reminds me of a boy I like. Except for Bones, I got into that because of its extreme quality. Or I guess because I like my mom (see previous post). I got into Harry Potter because Harry reminds me of a person I used to like (a grown person), and I watched the Raiders for a whole season because their coach Jon Gruden looked like a boy who touched my boobies once. Now, I'm into Man vs. Wild because cutie Bear Grylls reminds me of certain headbutter with whom I am recently enamored. This boy is frenetic and Bear-like and bear-like, and this is 1 of 3 shows he watches. Plus you know Bear is a headbutter.
Bear is forced to take off his clothes in the name of survival quite often. To avoid hypothermia, to demonstrate the proper way to exit a peat bog, and for fording glacial rivers, for example. He always leaves his boxers on, but they're usually soaked or otherwise made clingy with peat or death mud or something, and are visually permeable. But, I must emphasize, this is in the name of SURVIVAL. There is no place for a namby-pamby in the WILD, which is what he's VERSUS, people.
Recently, though, I was forced to question Bear's trouser-dropping criteria. He was in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, on a raft he built out of bamboo and hibiscus bark, and was taking periodic swims to lower his core body temperature. On one of these dips he was stung by a jellyfish and - you guessed it - he had to pee on himself. The wound was on his shoulder, so he actually had to pee into a coconut shell and pour it on himself. Now, I get it, it hurts. And these are somewhat dire circumstances. But Bear is ALWAYS in dire circumstances, and he ALWAYS has time to face camera and deliver a lesson about how to get out of them. So it's hard for me to excuse what he did next as a forgivable lapse. Also, although Bear sometimes pretends to be alone and setting up the camera himself, there is clearly a cameraman there at most times. At the very least he knows a squadron of editorial staff are viewing.
So he peed in the coconut, his member blurred out, natch. Then, while describing to the camera how the acid in the pee neutralizes the jellyfish toxins, he pored in on his shoulder. HIS DICK IS STILL OUT. It is out the whole time! No one is learning about toxins, their eyes are instinctively glued to the fleshy blur in his pants. Or OUT of his pants. It's out for a good minute (REAL good, mm hmm), with both the peeing and the explaining.
I'm going to give Bear the benefit of the doubt that he just forgot it was out. Because, it would be startling to me to think that Bear has slowly abandoned decency while versusing the Wild. Isn't the instinct to cover ones parts just as basic as that to survive? One could even argue that to modern man it is MORE important. Otherwise we wouldn't need to reacquaint ourselves with survival instincts via Discovery Channel, and there would be a show called Man vs. Nakedness.
I guess no one is as scandalized as me, because I couldn't find a clip of this on YouTube, but I did find this clip of Bear drinking his own pee. I think you'll see that he's much daintier about exposing his manparts here than the incident I described. Maybe it was shot earlier in the re-savage-ifying of Bear Grylls. Perhaps in the battle of Man vs. Wild, Wild is WINNING after all.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=vIjQHXOJklU
Bear is forced to take off his clothes in the name of survival quite often. To avoid hypothermia, to demonstrate the proper way to exit a peat bog, and for fording glacial rivers, for example. He always leaves his boxers on, but they're usually soaked or otherwise made clingy with peat or death mud or something, and are visually permeable. But, I must emphasize, this is in the name of SURVIVAL. There is no place for a namby-pamby in the WILD, which is what he's VERSUS, people.
Recently, though, I was forced to question Bear's trouser-dropping criteria. He was in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, on a raft he built out of bamboo and hibiscus bark, and was taking periodic swims to lower his core body temperature. On one of these dips he was stung by a jellyfish and - you guessed it - he had to pee on himself. The wound was on his shoulder, so he actually had to pee into a coconut shell and pour it on himself. Now, I get it, it hurts. And these are somewhat dire circumstances. But Bear is ALWAYS in dire circumstances, and he ALWAYS has time to face camera and deliver a lesson about how to get out of them. So it's hard for me to excuse what he did next as a forgivable lapse. Also, although Bear sometimes pretends to be alone and setting up the camera himself, there is clearly a cameraman there at most times. At the very least he knows a squadron of editorial staff are viewing.
So he peed in the coconut, his member blurred out, natch. Then, while describing to the camera how the acid in the pee neutralizes the jellyfish toxins, he pored in on his shoulder. HIS DICK IS STILL OUT. It is out the whole time! No one is learning about toxins, their eyes are instinctively glued to the fleshy blur in his pants. Or OUT of his pants. It's out for a good minute (REAL good, mm hmm), with both the peeing and the explaining.
I'm going to give Bear the benefit of the doubt that he just forgot it was out. Because, it would be startling to me to think that Bear has slowly abandoned decency while versusing the Wild. Isn't the instinct to cover ones parts just as basic as that to survive? One could even argue that to modern man it is MORE important. Otherwise we wouldn't need to reacquaint ourselves with survival instincts via Discovery Channel, and there would be a show called Man vs. Nakedness.
I guess no one is as scandalized as me, because I couldn't find a clip of this on YouTube, but I did find this clip of Bear drinking his own pee. I think you'll see that he's much daintier about exposing his manparts here than the incident I described. Maybe it was shot earlier in the re-savage-ifying of Bear Grylls. Perhaps in the battle of Man vs. Wild, Wild is WINNING after all.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=vIjQHXOJklU
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Is Bones My Mom?
Please take a moment to picture La Stossel contemplating the title of this post. Ahhhhh. I know all 3 of you have heard me make this comparison already, but I've thought for about 30 seconds more about it, and I think that time has increased its efficacy tenfold. Those of you playing along at home can now calculate the velocity of the Bones-Mom Comparison's efficacy with your Picture Pages pen. (Upon further research I've learned this pen was called "Mortimer Ichabod." I hearted the shit out of that pen.)
1. The formal name/ absurdly plebian nickname irony. Bones' actual name is Temperance. Yowsers, can you get a grimmer, more dour name? Why not just go all Bleak House and name her Honoria Dedlock. Or Eeyore. But before you change the channel folks, she's got a pleasing coloquial nickname! Bones! Oh, Bones, now we understand you. You're COMICALLY erudite. Good one.
My mom's name is Carol. Also mildly Dickensian, but fun Dickens not bleak Dickens. And her middle name is Cherry. Wildly inappropriate. It is basically what that jerk David Boreanaz would've dubbed my mother if they had 5th grade science class together.
2. Cold scientific assessment of surroundings. Bones is a scientist and can only approach things using logic. It makes her so mad when Booth tries to use his intuition to solve cases! Cherry has a masters degree in chemistry. She likes to say "bacchanalian revelry" instead of "drinking." Dad likes to make up theories (lies) and try to pass them off as actual knowledge. Boy, does that make mom mad! Bones works at the "Jeffersonian," a greeking of the Smithsonian. Cherry got her masters from the University of Virginia, Richmond. Also known as... Mr. Jefferson's University! Eerie.
3. Clunky thematic and somewhat morbid jewelry. The geniuses at Bones like to convey Bones' eccentricity by constantly loading her up with consistently hideous large jewelry. We are left to imagine she dug these pieces up herself, one of the lesser known perks of being an anthropologist (sign up today, ladies!) or acquired them on some exotic grave dig trip to Swaziland or some shit. Bones also likes to wear jewelry that reminds her of her long murdered, thieving but just kinda misunderstood mother. Her mother looooved dolphins. Seriously, dolphins. Have writers learned nothing more about women since Will Smith gave his stripper fiancee a dolphin engagement ring against Harry Connick's advice in Independence Day?! Come on guys. OWLS are the fad animal of today! Bones was able to recover a dolphin BELT BUCKLE from her mother's body, which she cherishes. I have a theory that Larry McMurtry has dumped that baggage Diana Ossana and has secretly teamed with Donna Marie (dresses like a mermaid who shops at Forever 21) to write Bones. Think about it.
Cherry likes to wear sea-themed jewelry as well. I get it, she's from North Carolina, but she hits the Of The Sea theme a little hard. Some crafty seaman fell on hard times and went to work for the Chico's jewelry design department, and he's been feeding my mom's insatiable appetite for abalone and gold-tipped seashell necklaces for years. No dolphins, thank the lord. Her other jewelry mainstay is a quaint heartshaped pendant. Inside... human remains!! That's right, in an oddly Billy Boblike character twist, my mother likes to keep her sister's ashes inches away from her face at all times.
4. Inability to understand people except on anthropological grounds. Both Cherry and Bones have managed to make it to (or well into) their adult lives without interacting with people on any kind of functioning level. Cherry likes to say she taught herself how to perform small talk, and still clings to the one pop culture catchphrase she gleaned from her children, "duh." Bones says "I don't know what that means" in response to cultural references FOUR times in the pilot. Bones has to ID victims using ethnic stereotypes, while Cherry does it just for fun. She is always ready to point out that Italians are very emotional and African Americans weren't raised to value grammar, that Indians are always late and men love lesbians. Sigh. Oh, Bones.
5. Squinting. Booth calls Bones a "squint" because she looks closely at things all scientist-like. Cherry squints too! She can't see at all. She reads everything lying on her stomach so she can get her face as close as possible to the print. The remote control has a yellow fluff of yarn taped to it so she can see it.
6. Cherry watches Bones! She bought season one on DVD despite the fact that she's never owned a TV show on DVD and can't work the DVD player! She's suspicious that the episodes might be out of order, and can't adjust to the lack of commercials for retrieving Diet Cokes, but so far it's worth it! I may have to get her a new yarn fluff for the DVD remote.
I think the Bones-Mom evidence is irrefutable, but Stossel says you be the judge. Is fact, indeed, exactly as strange as fiction?
1. The formal name/ absurdly plebian nickname irony. Bones' actual name is Temperance. Yowsers, can you get a grimmer, more dour name? Why not just go all Bleak House and name her Honoria Dedlock. Or Eeyore. But before you change the channel folks, she's got a pleasing coloquial nickname! Bones! Oh, Bones, now we understand you. You're COMICALLY erudite. Good one.
My mom's name is Carol. Also mildly Dickensian, but fun Dickens not bleak Dickens. And her middle name is Cherry. Wildly inappropriate. It is basically what that jerk David Boreanaz would've dubbed my mother if they had 5th grade science class together.
2. Cold scientific assessment of surroundings. Bones is a scientist and can only approach things using logic. It makes her so mad when Booth tries to use his intuition to solve cases! Cherry has a masters degree in chemistry. She likes to say "bacchanalian revelry" instead of "drinking." Dad likes to make up theories (lies) and try to pass them off as actual knowledge. Boy, does that make mom mad! Bones works at the "Jeffersonian," a greeking of the Smithsonian. Cherry got her masters from the University of Virginia, Richmond. Also known as... Mr. Jefferson's University! Eerie.
3. Clunky thematic and somewhat morbid jewelry. The geniuses at Bones like to convey Bones' eccentricity by constantly loading her up with consistently hideous large jewelry. We are left to imagine she dug these pieces up herself, one of the lesser known perks of being an anthropologist (sign up today, ladies!) or acquired them on some exotic grave dig trip to Swaziland or some shit. Bones also likes to wear jewelry that reminds her of her long murdered, thieving but just kinda misunderstood mother. Her mother looooved dolphins. Seriously, dolphins. Have writers learned nothing more about women since Will Smith gave his stripper fiancee a dolphin engagement ring against Harry Connick's advice in Independence Day?! Come on guys. OWLS are the fad animal of today! Bones was able to recover a dolphin BELT BUCKLE from her mother's body, which she cherishes. I have a theory that Larry McMurtry has dumped that baggage Diana Ossana and has secretly teamed with Donna Marie (dresses like a mermaid who shops at Forever 21) to write Bones. Think about it.
Cherry likes to wear sea-themed jewelry as well. I get it, she's from North Carolina, but she hits the Of The Sea theme a little hard. Some crafty seaman fell on hard times and went to work for the Chico's jewelry design department, and he's been feeding my mom's insatiable appetite for abalone and gold-tipped seashell necklaces for years. No dolphins, thank the lord. Her other jewelry mainstay is a quaint heartshaped pendant. Inside... human remains!! That's right, in an oddly Billy Boblike character twist, my mother likes to keep her sister's ashes inches away from her face at all times.
4. Inability to understand people except on anthropological grounds. Both Cherry and Bones have managed to make it to (or well into) their adult lives without interacting with people on any kind of functioning level. Cherry likes to say she taught herself how to perform small talk, and still clings to the one pop culture catchphrase she gleaned from her children, "duh." Bones says "I don't know what that means" in response to cultural references FOUR times in the pilot. Bones has to ID victims using ethnic stereotypes, while Cherry does it just for fun. She is always ready to point out that Italians are very emotional and African Americans weren't raised to value grammar, that Indians are always late and men love lesbians. Sigh. Oh, Bones.
5. Squinting. Booth calls Bones a "squint" because she looks closely at things all scientist-like. Cherry squints too! She can't see at all. She reads everything lying on her stomach so she can get her face as close as possible to the print. The remote control has a yellow fluff of yarn taped to it so she can see it.
6. Cherry watches Bones! She bought season one on DVD despite the fact that she's never owned a TV show on DVD and can't work the DVD player! She's suspicious that the episodes might be out of order, and can't adjust to the lack of commercials for retrieving Diet Cokes, but so far it's worth it! I may have to get her a new yarn fluff for the DVD remote.
I think the Bones-Mom evidence is irrefutable, but Stossel says you be the judge. Is fact, indeed, exactly as strange as fiction?
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